God’s Day God’s Way is to ascertain truth of ones self and is comprehensive. I will not simply go along with other human beings beliefs regarding sexuality, because if we ask 1,000 human beings to offer reflection on any subject, the values would be split down the middle. I am trying to find a way to have proof from some higher form of intelligence or the Living God.
If you do read my post you may feel you know me. You may feel I am simply denying “Who” I am, but I do not believe human beings are capable of anything more than a perception of truth, which is not truth. If it was truth, we would have 100% agreement on it.
For me, as a human being the search goes well beyond the acceptable constructs of current societal norms.
I do not believe there are any secrets, except in the minds of the human beings themselves, so wanted you to get to know me, as well as I currently know myself.
Comments would be appreciated.
To My Good Friend,
Thanks so much for your friendship. I cannot tell you how much it means to me. I am a complicated presence, and nobody knows me better than you, other than my councilor. But not even she knows what I want you to know.
When I was nine my mother moved us out of the house that they had bought off Lees River Ave and ripped me from the only place I ever felt safe to that date. She left my father and moved us into a project of sorts, although certainly not one of the worst ones in Fall River. When I got there, I was all alone. My sister was too young to be of any support, and my father was nowhere to be found.
A few months after being there I ended up out in a fort, way out in the woods off the railroad tracks. It was like a big 4×8 box about 4’ high. There was a door hatch on the top and it was the only way to get in or out. Me and my friends used to go out there and look at nudie magazines we found. One day there was a teenage boy there and he had me do stuff to him.
He was fully developed and although I had no anti-gay programming to draw from, there was a part of me that felt like it was wrong or dirty. Most humanity would call that a conscience, but I do not believe we have a handle on human truth. The worst part about it is that I was in fact excited and it didn’t feel terribly bad. I understand that aspect of sexual abuse is the most difficult truth for the abused to come to terms with. He did not have intercourse with me, but just oral stuff. I really felt like my parents really fucked me over and kind of threw me to the lions.
Nothing like that happened again. As a small child I was always attracted to the girls with no confusion whatever. Through my elementary, middle and high school days I loved women and was only attracted to women. I was not a terribly big man if you know what I mean and nothing pained me more. There were tons of women I could have had but was not comfortable with my physical dimensions. I mentioned that Man and his people dwell within the soul and that there are three branches of Man, he, she and them. I truly believe our sexual orientation is driven by the “inside life” and not currently influenced by the life that we all were re-formed from.
I was always hetero, the “He” was always dominant, but when I started to do cocaine in my late teens and early twenties something fucked up happened. The first thing is that cocaine made me psycho horny, the second thing was that it also shrunk my genitals. If I did a lot of cocaine they would go right up into my body, but the hyper-sexuality did not dimmish. For years in my twenties when I got high, I fantasized about women, but the frustration of not having anything down there became too much, I guess.
You know I tried so hard to quit alcohol and cocaine so many times and there was always a voice; a part of me that did not want to do those drugs, but it was like Lucifer himself was running my show from within. Once the sexual focus switched it was like I unleashed some type of demoness, the “She” aspect of my presence. No matter how much coke I snorted and how sexual I became I kept her in check and simply went without sex. Plus, throw in the fact that I never really got any at home, nothing to write home about for sure.
When I started smoking crack in my late twenties something fractured in me. That drug is the devil himself. I truly believe the demons come in with the smoke. The hyper-sexuality increased if you could believe that and my genitals shrunk even more. It was the most fucked up ride that I had ever been on. I did not want to drink and drug anymore but could not stop. It had me trapped and in dingy, dirty, crack houses and hotel rooms.
When I smoked crack, I would go into full blown psychotic episodes. It was always the first hit that drew me back, but three hits later I would hear voices as clearly as I would hear anyone, I could hear people talking and having full blown conversations and those voices that would tell me to do, what I perceive to be bad things sexually. I would hear the voices repeatedly for hours at a time.
The entire time I was drinking and drugging it became about a battle between good and evil. The evil one was this “she” a fucking demoness and she was fierce and wanted only one thing from me and it was something that I denied her repeatedly for twenty years or so.
Unfortunately, I failed on occasion and herein lies my pain and dilemma and a weight I have been carrying for a terribly long time. One night I allowed a Man to have my ass. On two other occasions I allowed men to have my mouth. On two other occasions I came to on the wrong side of a penis and stopped immediately.
If that was not bad enough it caused sexual confusion in me, and I did not know who I really was. It has been a secret struggle for me for a very long time, thirty years or so. Am I am hetero, gay or bi. It’s fucked up because when I started to bring all my writing together the demons have been in me and have been moving me or persuading me to do three different and separate sexual acts.
Lucifer, the demoness and two other male demons have been in my dreams and each time they always confuse me and try, and do punk me out and I always run away. All the fantasies are in direct contrast to my physical design or physical nature, depending on which side of the fence you are on; creation or evolution???
Today after all my writing and consolidation of 14 years of work I now stand more confused than I have ever been. In middle and high school, I was hetero. The only time I would glance at a male in the showers, it was because he was bigger than I was. All my foundational beliefs and my demon beliefs leave me with one question. Can a body transform from clearly hetero to gay or bi. Most human beings would follow along popular beliefs and simply say that I was always BI, but that is not accurate. Plus, after all my dreams and visions post car accident, I do not feel that human beings have a clue as to what forces drive us. Regardless of the initials at the end of their name.
To be honest with you, If I was to hold to current human belief systems, I would say that I am clearly all three; Hetero, gay curious and BI curious. I love women and always have; it’s fucked up brother. What I believe today is that Man is our creator and his people (he, she and them) dwell within, with one presence always dominant. Which was the “He” that dwells within.
There are forces that I cannot explain to you and no doctor is ever going to believe what type of portal or door I have opened. They will not believe that I have explained human beings in my writings and provided human beings with a true origin, and our creator and Lucifer are mad as hornets at me. So are some of the most powerful humans on the planet. A true origin provides humanity with their own day, so we can have our own time.
My front door being screwed shut with seven screws was a message, that the Book of Life and the seven seals of the book will never be open for human beings. I posted the writing on cracking the seven seals and opening the book mentioned in The Book of Revelation. Two days later my front door was screwed shut top to bottom with seven screws. When I found the first screw, then the second. I said to myself; watch there will be seven screws and there was seven screws.
I went online and queried whether any other known human beings has ever had their front door screwed shut by anyone, anybody or anything and nothing came up. I believe that is a significant event, but nobody I know seems to think so.
I am frightened about my sexuality. To me it’s about usage. How is Man and his people using the bodies. If I was made from Life from God or Christ, then the sexual acts defile the Life of God. I can’t get past that. Like I mentioned when I was nine, it didn’t feel bad you know, but for me it has to do with right or wrong. Is the body being defiled, am I a bad boy or is its all-natural feeling being generated by the human being itself? These are legit questions.
After all my years of searching for “Who” I am, I have come to perceive that “I am” the outside life, not the inside life.
To try the gay thing or the Bi thing with a man and a woman at the same time, I would have to sit with a higher being to tell me, that is just who I am. Other than that, I feel like my inner demons are trying to confuse me, like in my dreams and make me defile myself. All in all, neither would overtake my desire for women.
Please, please believe me. I am not gay or BI bashing. I do not have a problem with any human beings, as long as they are not harming other human beings. This is about my journey, my pain and suffering with addiction and my desire to know Christ and God.
I am making no determination on right or wrong. I am simply stating that as a human being, that does not have proof of origin, how could I possibly know what I am really doing here, what my true purpose is or what is right or wrong, other than my conscience, which I believe to be generated from the instinct of the branch of life that I was formed from.
I just think we should know what the fuck is going on. I don’t think it’s right not to know.
I do not believe modern-day human beings were created by God. I believe that Man and his people, including Lucifer and his clan, pulled a branch of life to form the first modern-day human and that they dwell within the soul of each and every one of us; without our consent or awareness.
I believe we were made from God, not created by God, which would place the life that I was formed from as a “divine” presence. That is why I want proof of origin and according to my dreams, that information exists on this planet and has been covered up for thousands of years, by rulers that do not want humanity to evolve.
With Respect & Great Intent
James – A Bud of The Reborn Branch of Life That Is Christ
I am writing a book called, “I went searching for God and found Man”.
If there are any literary agents or publishers interested in my work, please contact me at [email protected].
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